Those kids today
Aftershocks: Ashley turning into Real Housewives of New Jersey's fearlessFacebook enforcer
Not surprisingly, Caroline is a big fan of Ashley's bold moves.
The drama between the ladies is going surprisingly low volume.
Ding-dong, the witch is displaced.
After all her histrionics last week at The Brownstone baby benefit, we thought it might be time for the notorious Danielle to be crowned queen of the vast ocean of Real Housewives drama.
And while previews of her eagerly anticipated face-off with spiritual shopper Dina suggested another battle of epic proportions on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, this week it was instead Jacqueline’s 18-year-old daughter Ashley who seized the sword from the stone.
Recklessly texting and social networking like a champion, she was the one who figuratively kicked ass and took names. And laughed it off when the even the Manzo clan thought she might have gone too far.
Ashley, we applaud you while standing in ovation. We admit we were a little hard on you in past weeks. We apologize for joking that you couldn't remember whether or not you are going to college (you're not).
Your boyfriend Derek provoked a few jibes as well, but now we notice his respectful demeanor toward you and your family, and even his cautionary wisdom. He's turned out to be cute and nice. Forgive us: We knew not what we did.
We worried that maybe you were just another rebel without a cause, but the most recent episode teaches us otherwise. "Go ahead, get a restraining order!" Ashley exclaims at a sudden meeting with her Mom and Teresa at the Bottagra. "That would be great! I’d like to get one first!" she adds with a smirk.
But the women want her to cool it online, even if Ashley boasts later to Derek that she's got 3,000 people interested in her "I hate Danielle Staub" web page. The women are no longer enjoying their soup when Ashley chuckles about her Internet crusade.
In her video diary, Caroline is happy. “Ashley can drive you crazy, but she tells the truth,” Caroline admits with a warm smile. Later Ashley expresses her frustration, saying, “None of my family is saying anything to her, but my temper makes me feel like somebody should.”
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune flew with hurricane-force on this fast-paced episode. Maybe Franklin Lakes needs its own anti-defamation league?
Jacqueline dubbed Danielle a rageaholic: “She turns into the Exorcist!” she says in amazement. Jacqueline, have you been reading CultureMap? Did you bookmark “Aftershocks”? We dubbed Danielle a Linda Blair-wannabe weeks ago!
Kim “G” joins the chorus of housewives who object to Danielle’s new bodyguard and ex-con Danny having called Caroline’s son Christopher a “gay slur.” Danielle, a self-described “gay advocate” won’t condemn Danny, however. What’s the big deal anyway? “He wasn’t calling a gay man a faggot,” she explains. Oh, we feel so much better!
Ashley’s defense of the Manzo clan elicits a harsh response from Danielle, who also threatens the call the police. Danielle, always the keen historian, calls this behavior “terroristic …nothing short of the KKK.”
Gia, in a black beret and pounding the pavement to another audition, gets called on the carpet by both her agent and her new dialect coach for sounding "too Jersey." If she doesn't want to lose another chance to be in a film with Christian Slater, it’s no more “dawgs” and “cawfee.”
Albie says his father used to be a “fat ass” while the camera pans his mom and dad browsing at the butcher shop.
There may be no way to clean up the language in Franklin Lake, but at least Danielle can clean up a couple ex-cons. Despite her constant claims of poverty, she still has plenty to buy a new suit for bodyguard Danny. She requests pinstripes at the store, explaining to the clerk that they are “Italian.”
Danielle has to remind Danny to use the dressing room to try on the shirt. She reminisces about their shared penal history but beams with pride at his new image: “He looks so different!” Sure, now the bars are on his clothes.
This happy shopping spree is interrupted by a call from Dina, who invites Danielle out to Chakra for a drink. A mysterious piano rift, not unlike “Theme from The Exorcist” plays as both Dina and Danielle prepare for the rendezvous.
Alas, this fight began with more spiritual mumbo jumbo before descending into shushing. What we’re left with is the visuals--Dina composed, Danielle haggard — and a lame Bravo cliffhanger.
Fortunately, the best words were not saved for last. Ashley may not have actually threatened to kill anyone, but when Danielle told her she was fat, she had had enough.
“She should fix her square tit… she looks like The Grinch.”
You tell her, Ashley.
