Given the insatiable appetite for all things Whataburger, it should come as no surprise that the Texas-based burger monolith has come up with not only things to eat but things to wear.
The company has issued a new collection of merchandise, which they're promoting as potential gifts for Father's Day. That's convenient marketing, but if I were a dad and I had kids who gave me any of these items as a Father's Day present, I might disown them.
Which is not to say that the items are not What-a-licious. Here's the list. Click on the links for more photos and ordering info:
Whataburger bow tie. Bow ties are annoying and should be worn under very limited circumstances, namely black tie. This one is orange with little white flying Ws on it. You should only give this bow tie to your father if you're still living at home and need a final damning push to leave the nest, something where the two of you won't speak for a couple of years. The website describes the tie as satin — polyester, probably — and calls it a "conversation starter." It's $13.
Whataburger socks. Won't dad love it when he's in the boardroom making an important presentation, and as he raises his arm to point to some sales figures, the cuff of his creased pants lifts ever so slightly to reveal the absolutely bonkers orange-and-white Whataburger whimsy underneath? No. Dad will not love that. But socks are a good thing to buy, because they're not visible unless you want them to be. The design is argyle with orange and white triangles punctuated by the trademark Flying W. $13.
Whataburger running shoes. Buying shoes for someone else is always risky, especially with something like these running shoes, which are such a, how do you say, statement shoe. They're orange with gray trim, with black patches that make them look like saddle shoes. There's a Flying W on each shoe, and the inside is lined with orange-and-white striped fabric. $43.
Fancy and Spicy Ketchup pillow. This pillow is probably one of the best items in the lot. It's a square pillow with two sides: The red side says "Fancy Ketchup" in white lettering on a red background, with a listing of the ingredients (tomato concentrate, water, etc.) The reverse is colored black, and it says "Spicy Ketchup" in white lettering, along with the ingredients. It's a cute pop-art, Andy-Warhol kind of thing and goes for $20.
Whataburger door mat. It's a plain tan rectangular mat with the words "You better have Whataburger" in black lettering, all caps. Not very welcoming — as their website says, "It's good to let your guests know the house rules." If you're going to buy this, you need to really like Whataburger, because it's $35. For a door mat. That's not even orange and white.
Whataburger flag. This is a nylon rectangular flag featuring the Whataburger "W" logo in white, floating atop the word "Whataburger," also in white lettering, over an orange background. If you really do intend to let your Whataburger flag fly, there's a strip on the left with holes to thread onto a flagpole. It's $20.
Shipping is free, so that's a plus. They're all available on Whataburger's online Whatastore along with other themed essentials, such the Whataburger Yeti Tumbler and the Whataburger PEZ dispensers.