Dear American Music Awards: How dare you.
This week is the most American week of the year, celebrating the three things patriots from the U. S. of A. do best: gluttony, consumerism, and pop music.
So excuse me, but I don't think I'm alone in bemoaning the invasion of the fourth most important music awards show by a bowl-cut-wearing Canadian.
Yes, tween phenom Justin Bieber burned up the AMAs like the British at the White House in 1812, winning Artist of the Year, T-Mobile Breakthrough Artist, Favorite Male Pop/Rock Artist and Favorite Pop/Rock Album. Which to say he won every award he qualified for, short of pursuing a side career in Latin music or earning his own Glee tribute soundtrack.
My fellow Americans, this is wrong. Canada is great for many things — cheap drugs, threatening to move to when your political party loses, and being America's hat — but when Canadians come down here and steal the teen heartthrob jobs from hot, pseudo-talented Americans kids, we have to draw the line.
If Bieber wants awards, he has the Juno Awards, the Canadian
consolation prize version of the Grammys to shower him in praise. Americans need all their pop culture attention focused on debating the merits of Taylor Swift's bangs and helping members of the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block feed their collective 87 kids.
So American Music Awards, get your act together. You can be part of the problem, or you can find a way to nominate Bristol Palin for at least three awards in 2011.
The choice is yours.