It's summer, I'm on vacation and frankly, I just don't have time to visit all your websites or open all those attachments to see what you are actually doing next season. Plus, I have a whole last season of House on my DVR. If you all can be inventing your own special football teams, why can't I be making up stuff too?
Welcome to "The Arthropologist's fantasy arts season."
Due to the aging, diminishing attention span and hunger level of the audience (namely me), all shows start at 6 p.m., last under an hour, come with yummy snacks and free valet parking. All install press velvet martini lounges.
Snazzy, I know. Fantasy seasons rule.
Five things in this story are actually true. Name them and win an imaginary prize!
Houston Ballet plans a mixed rep of all women choreographers, and get this, my favorites, Crystal Pite, Martha Clarke, Aszure Barton, Annabelle Lopez Ochoa and Julia Adam. James Franco decides he needs a building with his name on it, so welcome to the "James Franco Center for Dance." HB offers a class for cranky old modern dancers (me again), where we do a few plies and tendus, then gossip until margaritas are served. Occasionally, Franco pops in to read us his prose. Oh, groan, I wish it were better.
The contemporary dance tribe takes over Houston Ballet's old West Gray quarters, putting in a special vaulted ceiling for Vault, Amy Ell's aerial dance company. It's named for Roberta Stokes, an early pioneer in Houston's contemporary dance scene. Her daughter, Karen Stokes, gets to pick the color of the lobby, where you can also find a combo beer/smoothie/raw juice bar.
Society for the Performing Arts presents my A-list dance companies, such as Keigwin + Company, Paul Taylor Dance Company, Monica Bill Barnes & Company, Evidence A Dance Company, Doug Varone and Dancers, and a whole week of American Ballet Theatre. SPA felt so badly that I missed The Tiger Lillies last show they are bringing them back. Merce Cunningham Dance Company makes a last minute surprise visit on their final legacy tour.
After looking at numerous hot New York dance companies to headline The Jewish Community's annual Dance Month, Maxine Silberstein takes one look at Andrea Miller of Gallim Dance on the cover of Dance Magazine, gives her a call, and presto, they're coming.
DiverseWorks realizes it's way too soon to end the ancient Greek focus, so they are bringing in Zoe/Juniper's There's a Crack in Everything, a piece loosely tied to The Oresteia. A fantastic restaurant moves in right next door with a liquor license.
Cinema Arts Festival capitalizes on the ballet buzz generated from Black Swan with Win Wenders with his 3-D Pina Bausch movie, along with a whole dance film track. I don't spill champagne on any visiting directors.
Stages Repertory Theatre head Kenn McLaughlin drinks the Will Eno Kool-Aid again, bringing in his latest play, Middletown. In a weird twist of fate, Eno develops an unexplained fondness for speaking with the press. For the holiday's, McLaughlin directs a Panto version of Lord of the Rings with Rutherford Cravens looking smashing in drag as Lady Golum.
Alley Theatre continues their relationship with rising weirdo playwright Rajiv Joseph with The Bengal Tiger (recently closed on Broadway). The Tracy Letts fixation continues at Main Street Theater, this time with his Superior Donuts. Philip Lehl and Kim Tobin Lehl of Stark Naked Theatre Co. mount a new production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Edward Albee attends and is reported to have smiled.
Matthew Dirst of Ars Lyrica wins a Grammy. Dirst also gives in to my dance history fanaticism and brings in The New York Baroque Dance Company. Da Camera brings Grammy-winning Esperanza Spalding in again, and even Rosie O'Donnell knows who she is now, and the killer good jazz trio The Bad Plus too.
All arts organizations who are presently missing leaders get them. Houston Symphony hires that hot conductor. Oddly, every new chief already owns a pair of cowboy boots. The MFAH hires a woman. The Guerrilla Girls come to her welcome party finally revealing their identities.
Small theaters unite, forming a coalition offering all kinds of two heads are better than one perks, even a website and a "theater card." Houston outpaces Dallas in simply everything, including hats. H & M, Trader Joe's and In-N-Out Burger come to their senses opening stores here. From now on, it's considered bad form to snub Houston. We are offered a shuttle and turn it down, just because.
Oh, and UT gets their mojo back with an undefeated season. Last season was just a bad dream, like when Bobby on Dallas wasn't really shot. All is well with the world.
Author's confession: Bless you for still reading faithful fans. I adore you for indulging me. Five things in this story are actually true. Name them and win an imaginary prize!
Wouldn't it be amazing if Gallim Dance stopped in Houston?