Name: Duchess, finally a good old-fashioned name for a dog, unlike that silly Westminster Dog Show, where the poor pups get names that sound like a snooty neighbor on a British sitcom. It's ridiculous. Think of a couple of famous duchesses: Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex (or Toronto).

Birthdate: August 8, 2018. I'm just rounding into the prime years of a dog's life. Since I'm on the petite side, I've got many, many years of tread left on my tires.

Ethnicity: I'm a terrier-Dachshund mix, if that's even physically possible. I weigh a tidy 10.4 pounds, which I weighed in college. I haven't let myself go. I'm into yoga and Jazzercise. I'm a cuddly pooch who is playful and gets along with other dogs and less-developed mammals, like children.

I'm house-trained, obedient, calm, and ready to blow this shelter. I'm got the A-okay from the shelter vet, and I'll be groomed and glammed-up before I hop in your car for the ride to my new home. Why are you still reading this? Come and get me!

Last week I had to switch a tennis court reservation at the West U Rec Center because the TV weatherman said the next morning's temp would be in the low 30s. The clerk said "that's pretty cold, but at least it's good sleeping weather." I've never understood that. I'm not sleeping in a tent in my backyard. It could be 50 below, or 100 in the shade ... the temperature in my house is still the same. So all weather is the same sleeping weather.

Yeah, that Federal No Call List sure works. Yesterday, I got my daily call from Marriott Hotels saying I've won a free vacation, and somebody from who knows where, I'm guessing India, wants to buy my house. You get those?

The Rice University tennis team played a tournament last week. Let's look at two of the competing teams. The University of Louisiana - Lafayette men's team has nine members. One is from the U.S., three are from Australia, two from Poland, one from Bulgaria, Croatia, and Serbia.

The McNeese women's tennis team has six members: two from Spain, two from Italy, and one from Serbia and Belarus. And "Italy" is spelled wrong on the McNeese website. That's a word from a third-grade spelling bee. Rice can't talk. Its women's team has eight players, only one from the U.S. I know U.S. tennis is in a down cycle, but here are 21 spaces at U.S. colleges not filled by U.S. students. This isn't college tennis, this is the first round of the French Open.

Come and get me: I'm available for adoption at 11 am Friday, February 14, at Citizens for Animal Protection (17555 Katy Freeway; 281-497-0591). Tell them, "Ken sent me."

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Dog lover? Ken Hoffman introduces you to an adorable pup available for adoption in Houston every Thursday.