HUMBLE — Rory McIlroy's shot is barely in the bunker when the peanut gallery begins. Only these guys are in an actual golf gallery and they are anything but over-the-top, loud critics.
Like McIlroy himself, they'll mostly brood quietly.
"He was in Sports Illustrated this week past week . . . all on him having trouble," a middle-aged guy in the requisite golf club polo shirt tells his buddy only a few shades above a whisper. After all, the guy having trouble is only about 15 yards from them up on the tee box.
"He just doesn't have it today," the friend shoots back. "Sad."
This is the scene from McIlroy's seventh hole on a windy, weird sky Thursday at the Shell Houston Open. It never actually rains and Rory McIlroy never actually comes close to finding his game. The recently deposed No. 1 golfer in the world is lost and everyone with even half a clue at Redstone Golf Club knows it.
Yes, Tiger Woods is now crushing them with kindness.
Oh, how Tiger Woods must be eating this up.
Tiger's not here of course. He still doesn't do Houston, no matter how many weeks it is front of the Masters. But his presence is looming larger than ever this week — it's like the good old days.
For Woods has clearly unnerved another once formidable foe with some master mind games. It is different now of course. It will never be the same for Tiger after the fire hydrant, the tabloid parade of mistresses and the shredded marriage. Tiger Woods can no longer just stare down opponents with that steely glare and watch them melt.
That's long gone. And it's taken him years to adjust.
But Woods seems to have found a new, successful formula. Instead of keeping his biggest threats at a distance that often drove them mad (see Mickelson, Phil), he invites them in, disarms them with charm (hey, profane text messages are charming to professional athletes!) and messes with them in ways that leave them unaware. But no less damaged.
Yes, Tiger Woods is now crushing them with kindness.
That is certainly what he's done to McIlroy, the one talent who could have really stood in his way of his resurrection. McIlroy has fallen apart as Tiger increasingly buddied up to him. Encourage McIlroy to change his equipment to Tiger's beloved Nike after the 23-year-old wunderkind wins two majors by eight shots each, star with him in a new light-hearted trick shot commercial (one that McIlroy admits has him seeing flaws in his swing every time he watches it), get a hot athlete girlfriend (Lindsey Vonn) who is more famous than McIlroy's own hot athlete girlfriend (Caroline Wozniacki) . . .
It almost sounds like Tiger Woods is running through a check list. Messing with your mind.
Of course, Tiger couldn't really be this devious. When have we ever known Tiger Woods to pull off a stunningly elaborate, devious scheme . . . Oh wait, that's right. Calling Elin.
Sorry, I don't believe Woods is legitimately trying to mentor McIlroy for a moment. This new buddy system is helping Tiger much more than it's benefiting McIlroy.
Of course, Tiger couldn't really be this devious. When have we ever known Tiger Woods to pull off a stunningly elaborate, devious scheme . . .
A few more months as Tiger's bestie and Rory McIlroy may not even be in the Top 10 anymore. Retaking the No. 1 spot? Please, that's a pipe dream at the moment. There is no indication whatsoever that McIlroy is in any type of shape to challenge for another major anytime soon.
Not with him shooting a 1-over 73 on a Redstone course that allowed journeyman D.A. Points to shoot a 9-under 64 and had Lee Westwood regretting a 68 that he called "easy."
McIlroy is the big new attraction at this year's Shell, the golfer that everyone wants to see. His Thursday gallery is at least five times bigger than any other player's, including usual H-Town favorite Phil Mickelson. But McIlroy tees off Friday morning very much in danger of being out of here and back on another plane with a MC before the weekend hordes even arrive.
"I don't know," McIlroy tellingly responds when someone asks what he got from this first round.
He certainly didn't get any confidence. Moments later, he admits he played "tentative." He talks about having made "silly mistakes," of not fully committing to his shots.
"I've been hitting the ball great in practice," McIlroy says. "Obviously practice and going out here and in competitive rounds is a little bit different."
Practice, we're talking about practice. This guy is more lost than a teenage driver without a GPS.
Masters longshot
McIlroy does not present anything close to an imposing Tiger Woods persona at the best of times. And when he's playing poorly, he can all but get swallowed up by the scenery.
A few more months as Tiger's bestie and Rory McIlroy may not even be in the Top 10 anymore.
It doesn't help that he stands about 5-foot-8. Maybe. In his blue pants, white stripped shirt and blue Nike shoes first-round Houston outfit, McIlroy could have been mistaken for an office worker on a casual Friday.
The cardboard cutout of the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World (bubble thought slogan: "I don't always watch golf, but when I do it's the Shell Houston Open") at the gas station on the corner by Redstone has more presence than McIlroy.
This deposed No. 1 is nice. But he's sure no competitive killer. There is nothing lonelier in sports than a struggling golfer. And McIlroy is locked in a funk that is a shocking for a man who is technically only days removed from being the top ranked golfer in the world.
Tiger Woods knows "Winning Takes Care of Everything." Rory McIlroy? He just knows he used to be a good golfer.
Guess who's in his head.
Rory McIlroy finds all eyes on him at the Shell Houston Open. And he didn't exactly look ready for it.
