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This Is Not a Drill

Texas man's 30th birthday dream turns into epic party with Vanilla Ice, Coolio & Ninja Turtles

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Jared's Epic Party
Jared Guynes always believed his dream party would become a reality. Jared Guynes/Facebook

If you cracked open Jared Guynes' head with a hammer, you'd find Vanilla Ice, the Teenage Mutant Turtles and Coolio, among other ’90s superstars. Or at least that's what Guynes says when asked about his motivation behind Jared's Epic Party, which just got fully crowd-funded for a cool $35,000.

The Feb. 22 party at Gilley's in Dallas started out as a pipe dream for Guynes' 30th birthday. But that dream quickly became an absurd reality of ’90s pop culture. The current lineup includes Vanilla Ice, Coolio, the Ninja Turtles, the Delorean Time Machine and the Ghost Busters van.

 "I decided I better not call it my birthday party. That's a real douchebag move," says Guynes.

Guynes never doubted his crowd-funded party would happen; he was willing to sell off his own possessions to meet the goal. Thankfully, it never came to that.

'"It's exciting because it's a ridiculous idea, and the people have willed it to be possible," Guynes says. "I knew in my heart it was going to happen. I believed it from the very beginning."

The very beginning dates back to last month, when Guynes decided to pull the trigger and rebrand his 30th birthday party as an epic party for the people. "I decided I better not call it my birthday party. That's a real douchebag move."

Although the Feb. 22 party date will fall on Guynes' day of birth, he won't have a cake or ask people to bring presents. In fact, he insists he's not making a dime off the campaign. 

"My vow is that I'm not making any money off of this," he says. "My wife is so annoyed because we have student loans and debts like anyone else. But I would be a douchecanoe if I took everyone's money and paid my bills with it."

Guynes says he can put on the whole thing for $35,000. But if he gets at least $40,000, he'll offer free drinks and food and bring in Sir Mix-A-Lot of "Baby Got Back" fame. As of today, he has amassed a whopping $62,993.69. The campaign will continue to collect donations via Crowdtilt until midnight tonight (Dec. 15). Anyone who contributes $55 will get a guaranteed ticket to the show.

"You snooze, you lose," Guynes says. "It's going to be bonkers."

He's also asking attendees to bring Nerf guns in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for largest Nerf gun battle. After the bout, all the toy guns will be donated to local children's charities.

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