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Observations & ruminations

Golden Globes rundown: Ricky Gervais' snarkiest lines, best penis jokes & oh, yes, the winners — Clooney, Streep & Madonna

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News_Golden Globes_January 2012_Ricky Gervais
Ricky Gervais lived up to his billing Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
News_Golden Globes_January 2012_George Clooney
George Clooney won Best Actor in a Drama for his role in The Descendents  Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
News_Golden Globes_January 2012_fashion_Jane Fonda
Jane Fonda wins my award for "The Most Smokin' Hot MILF." Handout Photo/Getty Images North America
News_Cinema Arts Festival_2011_The Artist
The Artist won Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical Courtesy of Cinema Arts Festival Houston
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In the wake of watching Sunday’s telecast of the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards on NBC, some random observations and ruminations:

AS NASTY AS HE WANTED TO BE: Didn’t look or sound like Ricky Gervais had reined it in at all for his third gig as host. “It’s so good,” he wisecracked at one point in the evening, “having a job where you can get drunk and say what you want. And they pay you.”

 “It’s so good,” Gervais wisecracked at one point in the evening, “having a job where you can get drunk and say what you want. And they pay you.”

 "The Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me,” he announced early on, “that if I insult any of you, or any of them, or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me back next year as well.”

If that’s true, well, I guess his remarks about Jodie Foster’s Beaver guaranteed a four-peet.

THE LONG RUN: Do you think the people making the seating arrangements thought Laura Dern really didn’t have a shot at winning her Globe as Best TV Actress – Comedy for Enlightened? I mean, geez louise, the poor woman was at a table so far back in the auditorium that she had to walk down steps, bob and weave her way through tables on the main floor, and then dash up steps to pick up her prize. Honest: I was afraid she wouldn’t get there before the clapping stopped.

BEST INTRO OF THE NIGHT: Seth Rogen stands next to Best Film Actress – Comedy award co-presenter Kate Beckinsale and announces: “Hello, I’m Seth Rogen. And I am currently trying to conceal a massive erection.”

Hey, Seth, I’ve interviewed the lady. I can feel your pain.

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY: Brad Pitt introduces the clip from The Ides of March. George Clooney introduces the clip from Moneyball. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Of course, neither did any other reasonably sentient adult watching the show.

MEOW: Ricky Gervais introduces Madonna (presenter of the Best Foreign-Language Film award) by introducing her as “The Queen of Pop,” interrupts himself to take a dig at Elton John – “Not you, Elton! Sit down!” – then caps it off with allusions to various and sundry Madonna hits. Including, of course, “Like a Virgin.”

But Madonna strikes back: “If I’m still just like a virgin, Ricky, why don’t you come out here and do something about it? I haven’t kissed a girl in years… on stage.”

Really, when was the last time you saw two people at an awards show who seemed less in love?

CLASSIEST ACT: OK, I admit it, Sidney Poitier looked every minute of his 84 years as he paid tribute to Morgan Freeman upon the occasion of Freeman’s receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award for lifetime achievement – a prize Poitier himself was given way back in 1982. His speech was interminably slow, halting. But when he more or less invited Freeman into the pantheon of living legends – “Welcome aboard, Morgan Freeman!” – I am not the least bit ashamed that I got all teary eyed.

UPSET: I predicted that Michel Hazanavicius would get the Best Director award for The Artist. Instead, Martin Scorsese won for Hugo, my favorite movie of 2011. I have never at any point ever in my life been happier to see one of my predictions proven wrong. 

SON OF A BITCH: Is it just me, or did Uggie the pooch from The Artist appear eager to hump Jean Dujardin’s leg the whole time the movie’s producer tried to give his acceptance speech?

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST SMOKIN’ HOT MILF GOES TO: Jane Fonda.

MOST OBVIOUSLY HAMMERED WINNER: Jessica Lange.

BEST PENIS JOKE: George Clooney’s shout-out to Michael Fassbender (Shame).

BEST NON-BLEEPED NAUGHTY BIT: Morgan Freeman to Helen Mirren: “Watching you handle a gun [in Red, their only co-starring stint to date] makes me know I don’t want to piss you off.”

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MEGAPLEX: Throughout the parade of accolades for The Artist, I found myself thinking: Am I the only one who felt that writer-director Michel Hazanavicius kinda-sorta steps on his own punchline in the movie’s final moments? I mean, it’s supposed to be something of a mildly surprising payoff when we learn the real reason why faded silent-movie superstar George Valentin (Jean Dujardin) has avoided making talking pictures, right?  (Not exactly a spoiler: The guy has a pronounced French accent.) But this revelation comes across so hastily and off-handedly — to me, at least — that I’ll bet the joke goes right over the heads of many people. Even people who like the film.

LEAST SURPRISING WIN: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady. Seriously: Was there ever any doubt?

WORST PERFORMANCE: Meryl Streep trying to look surprised… when she won for The Iron Lady.

I TOLD YOU SO: Madonna got her Golden Globe for Best Song – just like I predicted. Would I lie to you? 

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