Let's face it: Not all moms are loving, fabulous and deserving of a whole day of pious veneration for what thrust out of their vaginas. They may have endured nine months of agony bringing children into the world, but some really should have been required to have offspring-bearing licenses before they were allowed to be fruitful and multiply.
But alas, natural law says otherwise.
Still, Mother's Day is almost here (again) and you have to get her something. With that in mind, here's a gift guide for moms you love to hate:
1. Christina Crawford's Mommie Dearest
What it says: Watch out! If mom ever become famous or you ever rise the ranks of infamy, this tell-all exposé sends a strong message that you are plotting to screw her by telling the whole world she's a narcissistic, self-centered biatch.
Perhaps it also rouses suspicions that you are in the midst of crafting your own memoir, one that will be released as a made-for-TV special on Lifetime, where sad gals and gays dwell while polishing off a whole gallon of butter pecan ice cream straight out of the bucket with a soup spoon, alongside a box of tissues — mom's life is over.
If mom doesn't read, there's always the movie.
2. Vacuum cleaner
What it says: Mom is a dirty bag and should be featured in a Hoarders episode. That you think she needs a vacuum means 1) she has nothing to offer other than housework 2) mom needs to, as Sassy Gay Friend says, "Look at your life, look at your choices," and 3) her house smells.
3. Paula Deen's Southern Cooking Bible
What it says: If there's anything more cruel that emphatically saying, "You are fat," that's going through the motions to ensure someone expands to the size of a beached whale. A lover of butter, bacon and deep frying, Paula Deen's culinary approach can't be beat — if you also want a hardy helping of diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease.
4. Granny panties
What it says: Mom isn't aging so well, and it's due time to reign in that sagging rear end with some full-coverage, high-waisted unders. Granny panties offer a protective barrier for that encroaching camel toe and an added layer for disguising cellulite through those too-tight khaki Capris.
What it says: An inherited nose has been the bane of your twenty-something-years of existence, and it doesn't suit Mom's face any better. Treat her to a painful, pricey rhinoplasty procedure?