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Bully for them

Groupon has some strange deals on weird pet products for kinky dogs and cats

Groupon has some strange deals on weird pet products

steel-framed raised pet bed on Groupon
Steel frame Cot-Style Raised Pet Beds: Six-inches off the floor? Is that so dogs can put their shoes under their bed, like I do? Or maybe that’s where they keep their Playboys, like I did.   Courtesy photo

When I need to buy dog food for my pooch Lilly, I go to the neighborhood supermarket. I get that Freshpet stuff in the refrigerator case. It costs more than the food I eat, but I like Lilly way more than I like myself. I’d buy dog food at Costco, but Lilly isn’t a giant Mastiff who goes through 200-pound bags of Purina for a treat.

Lilly is a Citizens for Animal Protection graduate. I’m not just president of the Pethouse Pet of the Week, I’m also a client.

But when I’m looking for something kinky for Lilly, there’s only one place to go — Groupon. Fortunately, I bought dinner for two at Ragin’ Cajun two years ago off Groupon, which means I’ve gotten emails from them everyday ever since. No good deal goes unpunished.

Have you ever actually scrolled through Groupon’s hourly email and checked out the array of weird pet products? It’s like an Adam ‘n’ Eve adult novelty story for dogs.

Let’s scroll from just one Groupon email last week. The descriptions are quotes from the ad, plus a comment below.

Premium Bully Sticks – 25-pack for $6.99. “Part treat, part health food, all-natural beef, sourced from cattle in the U.S. and South America. 6-inches long.”

First, you have to understand what “bully sticks” are. “Bully” is a clue. They’re dog treats made of bull penis. 6-inches is a good size, but frankly I would have guessed longer.

DNA My Dog Breed ID Test Kit - $61.99. “Ideal for rescue dogs and mutts. Helps identify potential behavioral and health concerns. Provides context for personality traits. Use the swabs to swipe the inside of your dog’s cheeks and mail for results. In return custom photo certificate and percentage breakdown of each identifiable breed.”

This is ancestry.com for dogs. I’d get this for Lilly, but she’s a really mixed up mutt. I’m afraid her ethnicity report would be longer than a CVS receipt. By the way, Lilly has never asked what breed she is. She’s too busy sleeping on the couch. Anybody want to pay $99 to have a star named after them?

Bully Sticks from Best Bully Sticks - $29.99. “Hand-inspected to ensure a fully digestible treat. Great alternative to rawhide. Made in the EU. Choice 6-inch or 12-inch.”

Hand inspected? Do they as the bulls to turn their head and cough? 12-inches? Impressive.

AKC Burlap Striped Cuddle Cup Pet Bed - $14.99. “Skid resistant bottom.”

Cuddle? Sorry TMZ, Lilly and I are just friends. And from watching her scootch across the floor, I’m confident her bottom is not skid resistant.”

All-Natural Gullet Sticks Dog Treats – $12.99. “Naturally rich in glucosamine and chondroitin.  Hollow and ideal for less aggressive chewers.”

Gullet sticks are made from the esophagus of cows. Welcome to Bovine Anatomy 101. I’m in favor of this. If we’re going to slaughter an animal, let’s use every part of it. Like pig farmers, everything but the squeal.

Sofa Style Orthopedic Pet Bed Mattress - $16.99. “Deep convoluted foam soothes pressure points and supports joints. Promotes deeper more restorative sleep. Orthopedic egg crate foam core.”

Wait, if the Astros win the “season-ending series against a team from the other league,” do we get our money back? Lilly doesn’t need deeper sleep. I practically have to drag out from under my bed in the morning.

Self-Heating Thermal Pet Bed - $17.99. “Self-heating thermal technology. No electric cords or outlets needed. Ideal for chilly months.”

Self-heating technology? My mother once caught me self-heating. Dad gave me a lecture when he got home.

Pet Hair Robotic Vacuum Cleaner And Mop - $129. “While homeowners are relaxing or running errands, programmable robotic vacuum prowls carpets and hardwood floors for dust, allergens and debris.”

I have one of these automatic vacuums - but not this one. Mine is from the Neato company, and it works!

USA Elk Antler Chew Variety - $22.99. “Elk antlers of diverse size. One extra-long elk antler burr per bag. Low fat, high protein. Sourced in the U.S.”

Between pigs’ ears and bulls’ privates and horse’s hooves, what’s left? I like that they throw in one extra-long antler, like McDonald’s does with their French fries. Comedian Jim Gaffigan calls that “the bonus fry.”

Steel frame Cot-Style Raised Pet Beds - $16.99. “Six inches of clearance from the floor. Gets them off cold, hot, hard or wet ground.”

Six-inches off the floor? Is that so dogs can put their shoes under their bed, like I do? Or maybe that’s where they keep their Playboys, like I did.

Himalayan Yak Dog Chews - $12.99. “Made from yak and cow milk with salt and lime juice. Derived from an ancient recipe from the Himalayas. Low odor. Dogs must work the end of each treat for hours, softening it with their mouth before small parts can be slowly scraped off.”

I don’t always drink yak and cow milk, but when I do, I prefer it from the Himalayas. Good thing it’s low odor, otherwise this would be disgusting.

Natural Trachea Dog Chews - $16.99. “Fully digestible beef trachea, 100-percent natural. Country of origin: Brazil.”

Good thing it’s 100-percent natural. Don’t want no artificial trachea or spleen or other body part that I have no idea what it does in my dog treats.

Natural Cow Ear Dog Treats - $10.99. “Low-fat alternative to pigs’ ears. Country of origin: U.S.A.”

For dogs that keep kosher.

Pure Wild Alaskan Salmon Oil Omega 3 Supplement for Dogs and Cats - $23.99. “Slows growth of plaque in the arteries. Decreases triglycerides (bad cholesterol). Decreases chance of abnormal heartbeat.  Reduces chance of heart attack or stroke. Not evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any diseases.”

They were doing so well, until they got to the part about “not intended …”

USA Sourced Elk Antler Tip For Dogs - $25.99.  “Humanely sourced from wild roaming elk in the American west. One pound.”

The tips are the tastiest part. I’d like to know what “humanely sourced” means. Do these elk check “antler donor” on their driver’s license?

Folding Plastic Pet Stairs - $39.99. “Four steps.”

I’m getting this. Lilly just turned 15. Like Uncle Joe, she’s a-movin’ kind of slow. I have to lift her onto the couch lately.