Since it's hotter than hell outside, mortality is on the mind. In the tradition of such literary classics as 1,000 Places to See Before You Die and 1,001 Paintings You Must See Before You Die, I will be presenting a list of "25 Things You Must Do in SoMo Before You Die" throughout the month of August.
This compilation of make-or-break activities in my made-up neighborhood of South Montrose is sure to lead you down an enlightened path of revelation and intoxication. This week: Numbers 15-11.
15. Become a sugardaddy.
This is one for the twilight of your life (before you die in SoMo), so you have a lot of time to prepare and save up. Perks of being a sugardaddy, whether it be to a cute waitress at Sophia, an adopted Afghani refugee infant or a twink slave you scouted outside Mo Mong include strategic tax breaks, having somebody to light your American Spirits in your old age and qualifying for family discounts at museums.
14. Get out of town.
If you kvetch long enough about the burdens of life in the big city (despite its suburban layout), sooner or later you'll begin to crave an escape from the abyss of Guantanamontrose. Going camping in one of the nearby swampy state parks makes for a quick diversion, and provides lots of photo ops so that you can recreate Anthropologie fashion shoots for Facebook albums.
13. Feed the animals in the back of Poison Girl.
There was a time in my life where it was acceptable to use one or two Lone Stars as a chaser to a colorful shot, and then find myself making the sandlot that is the patio at Poison Girl into my own playground. And why not? The backyard's larger-than-life figurines are just begging to be touched. I hear that if you can climb to the top of the Kool-Aid man, the bartenders reward you with a free Shiner and a faint smile.
12. Take up a cause.
Beyond impending lucrative inheritances and job security at Soundwaves, everyone needs something to believe in. But make sure it's both timely and trendy - Darfur is over, but Haiti was so overdone that you can now donate money ironically while still helping a great cause - kind of like wearing cargo shorts that are the product of sweatshop-free labor. Genocide and natural disasters aside, the most noble activism du jour is protesting the future closing of American Apparel.
11. Smoosh with your couch surfer.
The motives of hosting a couch surfer are about as transparent as a wet SummerFest t-shirt and a Brasil barista's charm, so cut out the social niceties and set the futon off limits. You'd regret forever letting the drummer from Toro y Moi go without a kiss goodbye, or keeping the cute backbacker from Quebec's baby for the memory box. Because these days, it's all about social networking.