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Bikini Season 101: How to stay sane and love your hot body — no fat questions allowed

Bikini season 101: How to stay sane and love your hot body

Bikini season
It's deep into bikini season, but that's no time to get pensive and upset. Bikini
Bikini Season 2
It's best to embrace the moment during bikini season. Bikini
Do I look fat cartoon
Whatever you do, don't ask the "Fat" question. Courtesy of Failblog.com
Bikini season
Bikini Season 2
Do I look fat cartoon

I know what you’re thinking. “If I have to read one more article about how bikini season is among us, I will kill myself.” Diet fad headlines scream out from the grocery store check-out line, as I guiltily put the impulse-purchase Kit Kat bar back on the shelf.

But really, how many of us look just fine? We all know that we should work out to be healthy, to live longer, to avoid those heart attacks.

Still . . . honestly, when I work out, I’m 99 percent motivated by how I’m going to look at the next pool party. By how people, even my closest friends, might judge me. I run that much faster on the treadmill so I don’t have to hear my mom say, “So . . . have you gained some weight?”

 Trust me, if that burger was 100 calories instead of 500 calories, I’d be shoving it down my throat, cancer be damned. 

And am I really avoiding that burger because red meat may cause cancer? Trust me, if that burger was 100 calories instead of 500 calories, I’d be shoving it down my throat, cancer be damned.

Summer is all about having fun, so let’s make the most of it instead of focusing on the negative! Here are five tips on how to feel good in your own skin:

1. Avoid saying things like “I feel fat.” First off, that makes everyone around you awkward. If you’re actually fat, no one is going to agree with you. If you’re not, everyone will think you’re fishing for compliments. And according to Cosmo, these three words are a total boner killer.

2. Compartmentalize, compartmentalize, compartmentalize! If you’re awesome at focusing on how you’re just an obese cow, chances are you’re also great at channeling your energy on just about anything you set your mind to. Every time a negative thought about your body enters your mind, switch it to something positive.

Example: “I can’t possibly be seen in anything less than a moomoo this weekend after the way I chowed down those nachos yesterday” to “Today I am going to be productive at work, and this weekend I’ll be sipping on a mojito in Galveston!”

3. Don’t diet. Just don’t. Counting calories will only drive you crazy, and I don’t even want to go into why juice diets (or worse, fasting) don’t work. Try to eat lean white meats, veggies and complex carbs so you feel better both physically and mentally, but allow yourself that cupcake sometimes.

 Let the inner fat girl out . . . she gets lonely (and hungry) in there. 

Let the inner fat girl out . . . she gets lonely (and hungry) in there.

4. Look at this and you will feel instantly better. Look! Celebrities! They’re just like us! You mean to tell me that Jessica Alba didn’t magically go back to her svelte self after having a baby? That it was actually the magic of photoshop that gave her the tiny waistline? You don’t say!

5. Remember we’re all in the same boat, and no matter how big of a saint you are, we’re all inherently self-absorbed individuals. Everyone is constantly thinking about themselves, and as a result, we’re all our own worst judges. This works out in your favor because no one is thinking about that tiny piece of flesh (which you’ve blown out in your mind to gigantic love handles) because they’re all busy staring at their own tiny pieces of blubs.

Now go eat that sandwich already.

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