Hoffman's Houston
Pethouse Pet of the Week

Pet of the week: Barely legal Barney wants to know if Ken Hoffman is totally nuts

Pet of the Week Barney wants to know if Ken Hoffman is totally nuts

Pet of the Week- Barney
Barney is a sweet pup who has serious concerns about Ken Hoffman's nutty status.  Courtesy photo

Name: Barney, as in legendary lawman Barney Fife; Congressman Barney Frank; Barney the Dinosaur; and George W. Bush’s dog, Barney.

Birthdate: January 19, 2018 — I’m barely legal. Here’s your chance to get in on the ground floor for Barney futures.

Ethnicity: I’m a Terrier Mix pup. I was found wandering the mean streets of Memorial and brought to Citizens for Animal Protection for sprucing up and adoption. Well, consider me spruced, fixed (didn’t know I was broken), checked out by a vet, and ready to blow this joint. I’m a spunky, friendly little guy who’ll make a wonderful family pet. 

Come and get me: I'm available for adoption at 11 am Friday at Citizens for Animal Protection (17555 Katy Freeway; 281-497-0591). Tell them, "Ken sent me."

Barney’s blabbers: Imagine my horror when I stopped by The Chocolate Bar (two locations, West Alabama and Rice Village) and discovered that “Ken Hoffman is Totally Nuts” ice cream is no longer available. And neither is my second favorite flavor, “Cape Cod Crunch.”

What is going on here? Turns out that new owners have made dramatic changes in the ice cream case. Several old flavors gone, several new flavors added.

I’m usually good with change. But removing “Ken Hoffman is Totally Nuts” is not change I can believe in. I asked the scoopologist behind the counter, “What is going on here?”

She said, “The ‘Totally Nuts’ was very popular. It’s the No. 1 complaint we get from customers.’’

Here’s the deal. It’s beginning to look like I’m never going to win the Pulitzer Prize for my reviews of Whoppers and Big Macs. All I’ve got is an ice cream at Chocolate Bar. And they take this away from me? I’m not going to take this lying down. Developing...

One door closes, another opens 
While I have disappeared from the ice cream case at the Chocolate Bar, I got some good news from the Houston Chronicle. According to its “Featured Columnists” page, I am the No. 4 columnist at the Chronicle.

Lisa Falkenberg is No. 1 — no complaints there. She actually has won a Pulitzer and she’s a special columnist.

Brian T. Smith is No. 2 — again, no complaints. It’s good stuff being the top sports columnist of a big city daily.

Mike Snyder is No. 3 — not familiar with his work.

I am No. 4. Normally I would question why I’m only No. 4. But since I quit the Chronicle more than a year ago, and haven’t written a word for them since, I’m okay with No. 4. I guess they can’t quit me. The weird thing is, the best I ever did when I actually worked there: No. 12.

Size matters 
Went to the Astros game the other night with Sam the Lawyer and Al Staehely, former lead singer for the rock group Spirit. I asked them, “See the train over the left field stands? Is that train bigger, the same size or smaller than a real-life locomotive?” They answered, “Smaller.”

I emailed Bobby Dynamite, Minute Maid Park’s train engineer. His answer: “Bigger, by 25 percent.”

Good eats — for not a lotta clams
My new favorite item at the 99 Cents Store: Clam Strips by Bon Vivant Kitchens in the frozen food case. They’re “hand shucked” and taste just like the clam strips at Long John Silver’s. You get a quarter-pound of breaded clams for 99 cents. It’s a steal of a deal.

Here comes the son 
Have you seen Dale Earnhardt’s new commercial for Goodyear Tires? The background song is a cover of Jim Croce’s golden oldie, “I Got a Name.” The singer: his son A.J. Croce.

Fastest two minutes in sports
Sam Houston Race Park will be open for business May 5, Kentucky Derby Day, with live quarter horse racing, simulcasting of all the races at Churchill Downs, a Kentucky Derby Hat Contest with $500 first prize, $300 for place and, $100 for show. The track will even have Mint Juleps in commemorative glasses and official Kentucky Derby merch. 

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Dog lover? Ken Hoffman introduces you to an adorable pup available for adoption in Houston, every Thursday.